Graveyard
By Hecate
Here, I said
don't even let this go
and it's
hey to that old man.
I'm coming in the graveyard
with my little tune,
it's June
I said she's gone but I'm alive
I'm alive
I'm coming in the graveyard
to sing you to sleep now
"Graveyard" Tori Amos
For D (1982 - 2001)
The ground is
wet and muddy, my shoes sink into it and there's a gurgling noise when I move.
The sun sets and the horizon turns into a angry red, fading into dark blue over
my head and when I turn around I can already see the stars start to shine.
Behind me, beyond my reach. Like you.
I tried to
reach you. I really did. I'm sure of it, but every time I replay the fighting
scene my hand reaching out for you is missing. I remember myself reaching out
but I can't see myself doing it. I just see you fall. Falling down and crashing
on this car.
God, the noise
of the crash. It still makes me shiver. Breaking bones, a shattered body and
something else. Death. It was the sound of death. Your death already announcing
itself.
I didn't want
to hear it. I didn't want to believe it. You wouldn't die. You couldn't die.
You are a slayer. The Chosen One. We aren't supposed to die by falling off a
building. We should die while fighting for the good. Or fighting for the evil
in your case. But fighting nevertheless. Not falling.
Yes, we fought
before you lost your hold, but wasn't this battle your fall after all ? Our
fall from grace. Slayers shouldn't fight each other. We should do everything
together, for each other. Not plot against each other. What was it that blinded
us so much we lost our way ? When did we stop to walk at each other's side ?
What did I miss, when wasn't I there for you ? Strong enough for you ? Could I
have stopped it, stopped you ? I don't know and that scares me as much as your
death.
I know now how
you felt. How it feels to kill. This void that grows inside me, the fear that
seems to fill me and creeps through my body. A mute scream that echoes in my
head, seems to get louder although it isn't there.
But this void
has another reason, too. Your death. Not that I killed you but that you're
dead. You are the void in me, you are the missing part of my body. God, I love
you Faith. And now it's too late to tell you. To tell you anything. It's too
late to grab you and to take you along with the others. Too late to show you
that I'm your friend, that they are your friends. That you belong to us.
I can't help
but wonder if your change was my fault after all. If I would have been a better
friend, maybe that would have been enough. You never had someone to talk to. We
used you. You were just the second slayer. Monster of the week ? Call Faith !
Party in the Bronze ? We didn't even think about you. God, when I look back
now, I can't believe how cold we were, what a distance we put between each
other.
And when I
reached out for you, when I came to you as a friend it was merely a short
visit, something I did as a duty. Something my mother taught me as a kid. Be
nice to others, they might need you. I never fought for your friendship, I
never gave you all of me like I do for Willow. I came to you with expectations
and demands. Never as someone who wants to learn who you are.
And still I
love you. I never really knew you but a part of me seems so connected to you I
have to love you. Maybe it's a slayer thing. Maybe it's you. And today, one day
after your funeral I come to tell you just that. And to give you the peace you
need.
I can see your
grave now. And the lonely figure sitting in front of it. The Major. Hard to
believe that he can love someone. But he loves you. I know that. I saw it at
the funeral. His amused face being sad. Lonely. And the anger in his eyes when
he looked up and saw me. I guess this will be a war.
But not now.
Now we're just companions in grief. I can't fight now. He looks up and again
there's the hate in his eyes. And it hurts. Not because I like him but because
he meant so much for you. He took care of you, loved you, guided you. Something
I never could. I was too scared. Too scared of the consequences.
What would have
happened if I told you ? Right into your face. Spilled my feelings out in front
of you. Would you have laughed ? About me ? Or would we be happy now ?
Together.
"What are
you doing here?" His voice is hostile and I can understand that. He
doesn't know what I found out, he doesn't saw it. And if he did he would be
happy about it. He would get you back. He wouldn't see that it's not you, but a
demon. But I saw the red marks on your pale body and I know what to do.
"I put her
to sleep."
End.
Disclaimer:
Characters aren’t mine