"Global Cut" Slut

Stop missing me. I know you do. I can feel it in my bones. And that's scary.I don't want to feel it. It's like you're standing behind me. I don't want your presence hovering over me for the rest of my life. I want to live without you. Without agonising how I did you wrong. How often I hurt you.

I start to rearrange my life, to find a place where I could be happy. After the year in prison everything starts to make sense again. In a weird way. And I don't want to destroy that by letting you in my life again. I know it's not me who should decide on this matter. I was the bad girl in this story.

At least they say so.

At least I feel so.

But how should I start again if you tie me to the past? I can't live in a cage, you know. It's my life again. The first time after my watcher died I feel like myself again. It's like I slept and woke up right now. And I can see again. And I'm sorry for what I done. But I can't change the past. I can't take back all the things I said, all the things I did. And I'm not even sure if I would. Don't ask me why.

I know you wanted to kill me when you saw me together with Angel. I know you hate me. In your own way. The same way you hated Angel when he turned evil. Because you couldn't stop loving him. Because you can't stop loving me. It's weird that I finally understand it. I finally know what you feel for me. But now it's too late. I won't come back. Never.

It wouldn't work out. You wouldn't be able to forgive me. I wouldn't be able to forgive myself. And there's nothing we could do about it. I guess there should never have been two Slayers. We were born to fight. Born to die. One of us choosing the other side was just necessary. Because there must be a balance. It just had to happen. And maybe it would happen again if we would come together again.

You didn't came to me to visit me while I was in prison. But I felt you. I dreamt your life. I saw your battles with enemies and friends. I felt what you felt. I wanted desperately to cut this connection but caught between the walls of my cell I couldn't. But when I left it,it fell from me. We aren't bound anymore.

I just feel the shadow of your feelings. And we still have the same dreams. Maybe that's normal for Slayers. But I have to get rid of that. It's the last part of you that's still in my life. As long as you invade my nights I can't go on. I can't live a life on my own. So please stop missing me. Stop thinking about me. Stop dreaming about me. Because as long as you do, I do it too.

End