"Love Has No Pride" Paul Young

Even now,7 years after he disappeared I wait for him to come back. Because I still feel his presence in every moment in my life. Like he has never vanished. I feel him behind me and turn my head because I’m sure he’s standing there. But he doesn’t. He never does. It’s just my mind playing with me again. And my heart that can’t give him up. Because he was and is what I ever wanted, what I needed. Suddenly, on a mission I’m sure he will come around the next corner smiling and looking at me with his wolf eyes. And I know I’ll melt and the anger I felt because he left me alone for 7 years and I was scared for him will be wiped away. We will go home and sleep with each other and after it we’ll sit outside observing the stars. And while I’m surrounded by gunfire and explosions I can feel his strong arms around me, his soft lips on mine, his body pressed against mine so I can feel every muscle and every move. His breath tickles in my ear every time I walk trough the door of our apartment. And every night I fall asleep to the sound of his heartbeat.

You may ask how I met him. It was on a Sunday morning and I walked trough Q’s laboratory. Normal people don’t work at Sundays but you can’t consider secret agents and M-16 staff as normal. And there he was. He was joking around with one of Q’s assistants and seemed to enjoy himself. Then he turned his head and our eyes met.

It may sound corny but the world seem to stand still for a moment and I’m sure it did for a tiny second. In this moment something changed inside of me. Some restless part finally went calm. There was nothing beside his eyes which burned into me, into my soul and into everything that makes me exist. It took just a second for him to make me his slave.

Sometimes I don’t come home alone. A stranger comes with me and walks trough the rooms and touches things that are ours. These night are not about love or about companionship. It’s the only way I have to try to get rid of the loneliness that invaded my life 7 years ago. I don’t have success and I know I will never reach my goal.

He’s a shadow in my life and he is everywhere I am. But sometimes I get so desperate I have to try it. I have to get out and try to leave him behind. But I can’t. And in this night I’m confused. I can’t remember who’s sleeping at my side. And then I think it’s him. And it’s too dark to see the man’s face and I’m so sure it’s him that it hurts. I stay awake the whole night waiting for the dawn so I can see this face. Because I’m too scared to switch the light on. I can’t even move because I don’t want to wake this man up. I don’t want him to ask what is wrong. I don’t want to hear his voice. Because deep down inside I know it won’t be the voice I’m waiting for. And when the morning comes and the sunlight strokes a face I don’t know the pain is almost too much for me to bear.

Days after I saw him at the very first time we were introduced to each other. It was Monneypenny who lead him into the room and the way he looked at her made me jealous. Which is a funny thing because we hadn’t even talk to each other yet. But than he looked up and I was sure there was something like recognition in his eyes. He smiled at me and told me his name. Alec Trevelyan.

I don’t know how often I whisper his name at night. Alec. Alec. Alec. Again and again. The pain I feel every time when there is no answer from the darkness is something I got used to through the years. His name is smooth on my tongue it’s soothing me but the stillness surrounding me destroys the peace that was just created with his name.

Shaking hands shouldn’t be such an exiting event. But with him it was. His skin on mine. Just our hands touching. Just our worlds colliding. I know he felt the same in that very moment. I could see it in his eyes.

There was a glint in them, a foreshadowing of our destiny. It was like I could see us in his eyes how we would be. And I was right.

Sometimes I think I should make an end to it all. That I should kill myself. People told me I would get used to the fact I lost an partner. That it would take some time but that it would happen. Someday. They are wrong. I can’t get over him because I can’t let him go. I don’t want to. I won’t. He belongs to me and nothing can change that. Death can’t divide us. I feel him in my life. He’s there. He’s in my apartment, in every little thing there. Everything reminds me of him. He’s not gone. He can’t be gone.

He came to me that night after we were introduced to each other. He just came to me. There was a knock on my door and as I opened it he stood in front of me. And without asking he came into my room and into my life. Not that I would have mind.

I can feel him again. Right now. I swear he’s with me. I feel him in my heart, in my breath. But still he’s out of reach for me, still on the other side. And I can cross the distance between us and I’m scared to death that I will never cross it.

We made love for the first time in that night. His hands roamed over my body, his lips were on mine, our legs tangled. We were one at that night. We fell asleep on rumbled sheets, hands locked, me spooned around him, an arm draped over his body.

The pain I felt when I lost him is still embedded in me, my mind, my heart, my soul. It’s what I became. And nothing can turn that change back, I can’t go back to what was before I met him, I can’t be myself again. And now I gonna see the man again who’s responsible for his death. And I want revenge. For Alec. For me. It doesn’t matter that they tell me I shouldn’t take it personal. Because it is. It will always be.

So I’m on a mission now. On a mission for myself. And despite my outer self-assurance I fear I’m heading towards hell. I can feel it in every fibre of my body. Something will happen. And it scares me. What is happening to me? I’m losing it. Finally. Oh Alec, if you could see me now. I’m not myself anymore. I’m nothing but a shadow.

End